The great Mel Brooks

Great PBS special last night on Mel Brooks – truly one of the funniest people in the galaxy. I recently got the box set DVD's of his work and it's been a true joy revisiting the laughs.

Happy to say I've met him several times. The first was when I was working at the KIIS Broadcasting Workshop. He was at the radio station promoting his new movie, YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN. Even then he was an idol of mine. Between THE PRODUCERS, BLAZING SADDLES, and the 2000 YEAR OLD MAN he was already a comedy God. I tentatively approached him the hallway, introduced myself and when I said my last name (pronounced La-Vine) he got me in a headlock and said, “From now on it's pronounced La-VEEN!”

A few years later when my partner David Isaacs and I were on MASH, one of our staff members was Ronny Graham (a funnyman worthy of his own post). Ronny was good friends with Mel. They had worked together in sketch reviews and wrote together on numerous projects (including SPACE BALLS). MASH was filmed at 20th and Mel was based there as well.

Sometimes at the end of the day Mel would wander into the writers room and hang with Ronny... and us. And always he was entertaining. So quick! So funny! Imagine getting a private show from Mel Brooks!

In most interviews Mel will tell a story about once being at a studio and meeting Cary Grant. He was completely in awe of him. Eventually he mustered the courage to introduce himself and they wound up going to lunch. Cary had such a good time he invited Mel to lunch the next day too. This continued day after day until finally Cary called his office and Mel said to his secretary, “Tell him I'm not here.”  I bring up this story for a reason.

So one night after work we're in the MASH writing room watching a dramatic Dodgers-Phillies NLCS playoff game when Mel pops in. He sits down and is hilarious as usual, except this time we really want to watch the game. It was the Cary Grant story. Three years before I was so in awe I almost couldn't approach him and now I was thinking, “Jesus! When is he gonna leave?”

But that was one isolated incident. Otherwise, I cherished the times I was privileged to be in his presence.

I still see him from time to time in our neighborhood sushi joint. God bless him, he's still holding court and delighting audiences, be they two or two million.

Most nights he has dinner with his dear friend, Carl Reiner. What I wouldn't give to be at one of those. And the Dodgers suck this year so there'd never be a reason to want to watch the game instead.

Thanks for the laughs and inspiration, Mel. Keep going for another 80+ years.

If I retooled AMERICAN IDOL

AMERICAN IDOL has announced it will undergo a major facelift in order refresh a clearly dying franchise. Not only do I not know who was crowned last week’s AMERICAN IDOL, I didn’t even know the finals were on. And I used to review the show every week the first five or six years. The judges are being replaced (even Randy, which is like closing the barn door ten years after the animals had escaped) and changes in the format are being considered. Allow me to project what I would do and what the show would look like as a result. I imagine some folks from Fox will read this and say “why don’t we hire Ken to fix all our shows?” I’m available for the right price.

OPENING TITLES. Same except for a slight name change. In big letters we see THE VOICE and then in smaller letters of american idol.

CUT TO THE IDOL DOME, THE SCREAMING FANS AND THEN TO THE STAGE WHERE JAY LENO ENTERS. 

JAY: Thank you, thank you. Anybody see the Dodger game last night? Who are these guys? I thought I was watching the Witness Protection Program. (hilarious laughter) And did you see where President Obama got a haircut? Yeah, he got a haircut.  Did you see those photos? Not a good job, Mr. President. He must’ve gone to Fantastic Uncle Sam’s. (Even more hilarious laughter) But anyway, we got a great show for you tonight. The theme is songs your parents sang in the car when you were between five and seven. As always, let’s meet our judges. First, the lovely Ann Curry!

(Applause)

ANN: Thank you.

JAY: Everytime I say your name I wanna eat Indian food. (big laugh)

ANN: Why?

JAY: Never mind. My mistake. And also we have music icon, Bob Dylan!

(Applause)

BOB: Thanegyldgigpgooo.

JAY: And finally, Marlee Matlin!

(Big applause. She signs “hello”)

JAY: Alright, America, let’s meet your Top Ten!

TEN PEOPLE FILE IN, RANGING IN AGE FROM 80 TO 6. HALF THE WOMEN HAVE BABIES IN TOW, AND THE GUYS LOOK LIKE THE VILLAGE PEOPLE.  BIG APPLAUSE. 

JAY: Say hello to Renaltina, Soophran, Thor, Ignatz, Pleimonemony-Beth, Madonna, Billy Joe Bob Tom, Cosmopolitan, and the twins Saramardja and Keith! (Applause) Okay, let’s get this show on the road. I haven’t been this excited since Conan got audited. (Big laugh) First up is Thor singing “the Theme from Rocky.”

MUSIC STARTS AND THOR LAUNCHES INTO HIS SONG.

THOR (singing): Gotta fly now, gotta fly now, gotta fly now, gotta fly.

HE FINISHES TO A THUNDERING REACTION. CUT TO THE AUDIENCE WHERE KEIFER SUTHERLAND IS APPLAUDING. UNDER KEIFER SUPER: 24 RETURNS IN MAY.

JAY: Great job. You know there’s a statue of Sylvester Stallone in Philadelphia – otherwise known as the “Little Bell.” (big laugh). So judges, what did you think? Bob?

BOB: Igheighexhejr ihtpsehtlmwe theiswoe weuantmetnetitltaw.

JAY: Right. Marlee?

MARLEE: Bob…said…what…I…was…going…to…say.

JAY: Good enough. Ann?

ANN: I was over in Afghanistan recently and found that anthems like that designed to motivate aggressive behavior in actual fact created a sense of false confidence that was ultimately counter-productive. They’re misleading, deceptive, and in reality put our soldiers in harm’s way. So I didn’t love it.

MARLEE: What…did…she…say?

BOB IS INCENSED THAT ANN PANNED THE SONG. HE LETS HER HAVE IT.

BOB:   Aneyltieyt meitshent diet dkit pwielcmsth eige msotxmmtak!

ANN STARTS TO CRY.

JAY: Oh here we go. Bob, apologize or America will hate you.

BOB: Ighehme thepwyye xhptyiishpt!

ANN: (still sobbing) I want a production deal!

JAY: We’ll talk about this during the break.

ANN: Bob has always had it in for me.

JAY: I’m sure that’s not true.

ANN: “Positively Fourth Street” – that was about me!

JAY: You were ten when that came out.

ANN: Oh? You too? I should have known.

JAY:  Me?

ANN:  You never fought for me at NBC!

JAY:  You never fought for me!

BOB: Yithpw thephg eith oqealxmmt uet ehwpieilp.

MARLEE: Bob…makes…a…good…point.

ANN:  Jimmy Fallon is funnier.

JAY:  At least people liked me at NBC when they fired me!

BOB: Uhg heulgthwweeen!

MARLEE FLASHES ANGY HAND SIGNS.

ANN (swatting her away):  Get your freakin' hands out of my face.

THE THREE JUDGES AND JAY BEGIN YELLING AT EACH AND EVENTUALLY PUNCHING EACH OTHER.

JAY: I haven’t lost control like this since the last CHEERS show. Hey,  If you want to vote for Thor folks, the number is 1-888-VOICE-01. Be right back. Max Greenfield’s gonna stop by later. Stick around.

CUT TO COMMERCIAL.

There you go. That's just a taste. But be honest, if you saw that wouldn’t you watch AMERICAN IDOL again? Fox, I’m expecting a call.

My toughest interview

In the minor leagues I had to do a pre-game interview every day.  Most of the players were happy to talk to me, but not all.  This is me interviewing Syracuse Chief, Lou Thornton in 1988.   By the way -- still easier than interviewing Barry Bonds. 

My commencement speech to the Class of '13

June is the graduation time of year. I guess a hundred years ago those commencement speakers were inspiring and offered thoughts and insights that were new and fresh. But now, Jesus! Be your own person. Never give up. You have a responsibility to society. Success comes from within. Show courage. You can make a difference. Set aside time to smell the roses. Let faith be your guide. Blablablablabla.

I’ve never been asked to be a commencement speaker and that’s probably a good thing because here’s some of the advice I might give:

Live at home with your parents as long as you can. Otherwise you’ll have to find a job. Rents are high. And then there’s laundry, food, and the family big screen.

Know that the music you think is so cool now will be laughed at by future generations.

Same with clothes.

Don’t follow your current favorite group around the country for the next thirty years. That becomes sad year one.

If you are going to honor your dear departed kitty Fluffy with a tattoo make sure all your subsequent pets are also named Fluffy.

Eat bad foods. You’re at an age when you can get away with it. And eat them at midnight. There’s plenty of time in the future for watching your carbs, eating your vegetables, avoiding red meat, and laying off the Yodels and Ring Dings. Soon enough you won’t be able to eat a bite after 8:00 without spending the night in the porcelain canyon . Do you want fries with that? Damn right you do!

Don’t buy SUV’s.

Practice safe and frequent sex. Have many romances and then fall in love when you’re 30.

Go back and study the history of your chosen field. Things actually happened before 1995.

Don’t blame your parents for everything. Your peers screwed you up just as much.

Sleep. It’s better for you than Red Bull.

You can no longer take an "incomplete".

Prepare yourselves. There will come a day – in your lifetime – that they will stop making original episodes of THE SIMPSONS. I know you don't believe me but it's true.

There’s a special bond having shared the school experience together. Stay in touch with your classmates. Even the ones you’ve slept with.

Don’t invest money in video stores.

Read novels that aren’t graphic.

Join communities that aren't virtual.

Save your journal or private diary. In twenty years you’re going to get such laughs.

Dream big but always have contingency plans. And then have contingency plans for your contingency plans.

Keep your student ID card. Use it to get into movies cheaper.

Guys, don’t wear hats. You’ll have plenty of time for that later once you’ve lost your hair.

Never take comedy traffic school.

Buy your alcoholic beverages by the glass or bottle, not the keg.

And finally -- Don’t sweat it if you don’t know what you’re going to do with your life. There’s a good chance the job you'll eventually want hasn’t been invented yet.

Congratulations to the class of '13. Now get out there and don’t fuck up my Social Security.

My final word (I hope) on Zach Braff and Kickstarter

I thought I was going to drop this subject but there have been more developments and I’ve been barraged by requests to comment. And since I can’t produce a slick video and get fifty major websites to embed it like some people can, I’ll have to take one more day on the blog to respond. Tomorrow I’m back to the usual nonsense I promise.

After getting the money he begged for on Kickstarter for his follow-up movie to GARDEN STATE, Zach Braff now has “gap” funding from Worldview productions. The Kickstarter campaign drew enough attention that he was able to achieve what he set out to do originally and that is get a movie financed that guaranteed him autonomy. I hope he refunds some of the Kickstarter money and I suspect he will. This was never a scheme to swindle anyone. And I have always said I admire that Braff wants to be true to his vision. But in essence those who donated money to his Kickstarter campaign were providing Braff bait. You were kind of pawns.

And again, young filmmakers in Kalamazoo don’t have the access to leverage their Kickstarter largesse and fame into making a financing deal with a production entity.

This gets back to the argument I originally made that in my opinion crowd funding sites should be championing the little guy, not $22 million dollar celebrities. For that opinion I have taken a lot of criticism. Who am I to say who should be allowed on Kickstarter? Who made me Grand Poobah of the internet? Hey people, do what you want. Support whoever you please. Buy Zach Braff a new Tesla if you like. But I think it’s wrong.

Kickstarter, in a response to my article and others like it, maintained support for Braff and other notables. Well, of course they did! Celebrities draw attention to their website and bring in more traffic.   If there’s a big winner in this whole brouhaha it’s not Zach Braff, it’s Kickstarter. Does the increased traffic result in more funding for the small productions? Maybe. I hope so. But it sounds suspiciously like the “Trickle Down Theory” to me. It’s up to you to decide whether that worked.

But it seems I am not alone in my stance. Kevin Smith, who I have never met, has been trying to get the financing to make CLERKS 3. On Reddit recently he wrote this:

"We nearly Kickstarted the budget back in November, but now I'm feeling like that's not fair to real indie filmmakers who need the help. Unlike back when I made CLERKS in '91, I've GOT access to money now - so I should use that money and not suck any loot out of the crowd-funding marketplace that might otherwise go to some first-timer who can really use it.

"So if I can get away with it, I'm gonna try to pay for CLERKS III myself. As much as I love the crowd-funding model (and almost did it myself in early 2009 with RedStateGreen.com), that's an advancement in indie film that belongs to the next generation of artists. I started on my own dime, and if I'm allowed, I should finish on my own dime."

Sound familiar?

Other points:

In his glossy promotional video Zach Braff maintains that studios would interfere with his casting choices. He recently signed Anna Kendrick (a hot actress with an Academy Award nomination) and Josh Gad (the toast of Broadway in BOOK OF MORMON and a highly sought-after TV and film actor). Uh… what studio would veto those choices? It’s not like he wanted to hire me to play one of the roles. If he was going to hire all unknowns or even non-actors I could see where a studio might have serious reservations. This is a business. But Braff just hired two hot extremely talented young bankable actors. So I don’t buy that argument unless he intends to have Josh Gad play his mother.

One final thought: Just because a celebrity goes on Kickstarter does not automatically mean they’ll fund their project. Poor Melissa Joan Hart. Despite her vow that she’ll follow you for a year on Twitter (maybe the greatest incentive EVER), she has failed to secure financing for her movie. She hoped for $2 million and got $51,605 from only 315 supporters. But the good news is that’s 315 fewer people she has to follow.

Okay, that’s hopefully it for me.  Zach, I await your next video.

A FRASIER creator helps me with Friday Questions

We have a guest expert answering the first of your Friday Questions – Peter Casey, one of the creators of FRASIER. The other questions unfortunately, you just get me.

Andy Ihnatko wants to know:

How did "Frasier" put together those brilliant silent scenes that played out under the end music? Were they fully written or did everyone just work out a funny piece of business during rehearsals?

I think I'd even watch a compilation of all eleven seasons' worth. Each one is a pretty little gem.

FROM PETER:  Those end credit scenes were not written out. Usually the writers would put their heads together and come up with an idea after the audience was released and the crew was shooting pickups. One of my favorites came when Mathilde Decagny, the dog trainer, told us Moose could jump really high. We ended up putting a muffin on the kitchen island then Mathilde commanded Moose to jump over and over again. All the audience saw was his head popping up again and again from behind the island looking at the muffin. That wore the little sucker out.

Thanks so much, Peter!

From David L:

Ken, I was watching an interview with writer Michael Patrick King and he said a writer should never tell a series actor what stories might be coming up. The actors get attached to the idea and then are unhappy if that storyline falls by the wayside. Was that your experience on MASH as well?

That’s fine if you can get away with it, but in the real world most stars want to know what’s ahead and not telling them will only cause you grief. Also, you’ll notice a lot of stars have producing credits. They’re part of the loop whether you like it or not.

I personally disagree with Mr. King. I don’t go over every story with the cast, but I want my star to know what’s ahead and I want him on board. What good do you do yourself when you go down a road your star hates and you have five episodes that follow that path? It’s a lot easier to re-think things when they’re at the conceptual and not script level.

Much better to have him sign off on your creative direction. Also, I like to include my stars in the process. They feel more invested in the series and they feel I’m taking their input seriously. So I voluntarily give them a heads-up.

Alan Alda, in particular, was a great creative partner. He was always a cheerleader, full of great ideas himself, and even if he didn’t like something he was always willing to hear and seriously consider your side. The world needs more Alan Aldas.

michael asks:

Which would you prefer? Premiere your new series in the fall or the midseason so you have more time to develop the series? Or does getting the extra time mean more network changes?

I’d prefer the fall. There is the valid argument that it’s easier to launch shows mid-season because there are less of them and you have a better chance of standing out, but there’s nothing like being part of the big fall hoopla. From the upfronts announcements to a summer of interviews and promos, it’s exciting.

Plus, if you premiere mid-season the network will only 13 episodes. If you debut in the fall and do well you stand to get 22.

If your show premieres in late April then you’re pretty much dead. Don’t kid yourself. You get 6 and out.

However, if your show is an event, like Fox bringing back 24, then anytime is a good time with the proper promotion. The tentative plan for 24 is next May, going into the summer.

But I should specify that I’m talking about the major broadcast networks. Cable is on a different time table. If you’re on USA it might be more advantageous to premier in the summer or March.

As for network meddling, they make their scheduling decisions based primarily on their need, so they might want you to re-tool but they want you on in the fall so you scramble like crazy.

And a lot of time mid-season shows go right into production so they’ll be ready in late October when the first casualties fall. So you don’t even have the benefit of time.

But if you do have that time luxury and you do need to re-tool at least you won’t be under that same insane casting pressure when a hundred projects are all casting at the same time. You can see more people. And you don’t have to hire someone immediately because you’re afraid another show will snap him up after lunch.

Rory W. has a question about my recent pilot rundown.

I was really struck by this line in your post today:

"scheduling requirements (e.g. we need another multi-camera sitcom to go with our Tim Allen existing multi-camera sitcom)"

Do schedulers really think that way? I don't know that I've ever noticed the format of a show or shows that I like or necessarily cared. Only because of this post did I realize that "New Girl" and "The Mindy Project" are single-camera and "The Big Bang Theory" is multi-camera. (Those are the only comedies I watch/DVR.)

I can't imagine that audiences really care about that.

But, maybe I'm wrong.

The networks feel it’s very important that shows in an hour time period be compatible with each other. Is there a different audience for a multi-cam show and a single-cam show? Maybe. Perhaps subconsciously.  I’m sure networks have volumes of research to suggest there is.

But the question is what is compatible? Format or content? MODERN FAMILY and EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND is compatible to me, even though their formats and sensibilities are different. But they’re both smart, funny family shows.

Other people don’t like multi-cam rhythms and would prefer two quirky single-camera shows even if one was a family show and the other was a workplace comedy.

It’s tricky, but like I said, networks have reams of research to support this theory.

What’s your Friday Question? Please let it in the comments section. Molto bene.

Another "How I got fired" story

Here’s another tale from my radio disc jockey days. It was a great field to be in if you didn’t mind zero security and bosses who were mad as hatters.

In 1974 I was on KYA, San Francisco, doing the 10 pm – 2 am shift and happy as a clam. The program director liked me, the general manager liked me. I was the flavor-of-the-month. In radio that meant start sending out tapes.

The station was sold. This has happened to me numerous times. And the chain of events is always the same. A general staff meeting is called. The new owners assure everyone that their jobs are safe and there will be no changes. One of the attractions of purchasing this station was the format and people. They were honored to be working with all of us.

Almost immediately the program director is fired. Then various staff members get picked off as if there were a sniper on a hill. The format is altered, new rules and memos are generated hourly until three months later you don’t even recognize the station.

So we have the obligatory meeting at KYA. I’m in the Army Reserves and then have to go off for two weeks summer camp at Ford Ord. While I’m gone the program director is fired. Big shock.  I know my days are numbered too.

When radio stations want to fire disc jockeys and have no real cause they catch you on a minor infraction that normally wouldn't even warrant a mention and use that as your poison pill. I think my egregious error was that I forgot to read a live tag to a commercial (like “Open every night till 9”).  I returned home from the army and found my pink slip in my box. Because of my gross negligence and utter lack of professionalism I was terminated immediately.

Disappointed but not surprised, I returned to my studio apartment and made a few calls to see what else was available. As luck would have it, a friend who was program director of a station in San Diego had an opening and hired me on the spot. I would report in a week. Being out of work for one hour was far preferable to six months, which is what I suffered through in 1973.  (When you're cold, you're cold.  I couldn't get a job doing all-nights in Fresno.)

Then I got a call from KYA’s business affairs person. Because I was fired for cause they didn’t have to pay me severance. This of course, is bullshit, but lots of stations did it.

So I went back to KYA and stuck my head into the general manager’s office. Howard Kester was an older gentleman.  He had always been very nice to me. Cheery greetings, pats on the back, etc. The one thing I remember about him is that he blinked a thousand times a minute. I’ve never seen anything like it.

He invited me into his office, was very fatherly, and said he was sad to see me go. Hopefully I learned from my wanton irresponsibility and would go on to have a nice career. If it was up to him, he’d pay me the severance, but this was corporate policy. His hands were tied.

I told him I was going to take action. He blinked fifty times then shrugged. “Go ahead. Call the union if you like.”

“I’m not calling the union,” I said. “I’m calling the Adjutant General’s Office.”

“What?” he blinked.

“Yes. You fired me while I was on active military duty. That’s illegal. I’m filing a law suit.  You'll be hearing from the United States government.”

His eyes were now fluttering like a movie projector and I could tell he was a little thrown by this. He told me to hold on and quickly called his business affairs guy and relayed my threat. I could hear over the phone the guy yelling, “PAY HIM! PAY HIM RIGHT NOW!” Howard instructed him to cut a check.

Then he went absolutely ballistic on me. His face turned beet red and he started screaming random obscenities. I calmly sat there and said I wasn’t leaving until I had the check for the full amount in my hand. He said I had to sign a release relieving KYA of any further responsibility. I refused. Howard’s head almost came off.

He got right in my face and said, “I know your kind. You’re the type of person who likes to come back and hang around the vending machine!” Huh? That didn’t even make sense.

He continued screaming at me and sending Morse Code through his eyes until his secretary gingerly walked in with the check for him to sign. He scrawled his signature but just before he gave it to me he said, “If you take this I swear you will never work in this industry again. EVER!” I swiped the check out of his hand and casually said, “I’ve already got another job!”

Now he started screaming “GET OUT! GET THE FUCK OUT!” I stopped at the door and couldn't resist.  I turned back and said, “Would you mind if I got an Almond Joy from the vending machine?” He almost leaped across his desk.

I left and just a few months later he too was fired by the new owners.

I’m still friends with a lot of the people I worked with at KYA. Come to think of it, they all got fired too.  But that’s the thing about radio back then – even the bad parts were often fun. I’m glad I was a part of it. And even more glad I got out.

A CHEERS story I had never heard before

Last Saturday night at UC Santa Barbara there was a discussion of CHEERS by series creators Glen & Les Charles and James Burrows moderated by CHEERS writer/producer Cheri Steinkellner. It was a fun, lively, informative evening filled with clips, tips, and anecdotes.

Later in the program George Wendt joined them on stage and told a story that even I had never heard.

It was Kirstie Alley’s first week. Kirstie is a little uh… out there. On her first day for example, for the table reading, she showed up in a blonde pageboy wig wearing a sweater and apron (a la Shelley Long).

During the week the rest of the cast decided it would be a nice gesture to get Kirstie a welcome gift. Everyone contributed but no one had the time to actually get it. George and John Ratzenberger drew the assignment of picking something out.

George said they drove down Melrose at a complete loss as to what to get. Trashy lingerie? That might be a tad too personal. (But certainly a good impulse.) Conventional gifts just seemed too… conventional.

They finally wound up in Big Five (as does everybody) and there they found the perfect gift. A little wrapping paper and it was ready to go.

And so after Kirstie’s first episode, the cast of CHEERS lovingly gave their new cast member a shotgun. That’s right. What better gift to give someone you’ve only known for four days than a shotgun? (Along with a nice note that said, “You’re going to have to shoot your way off this show.”) The fact that Kirstie found this hysterical it was clear that she was going to fit in perfectly. For the next six years she was as incorrigible as anyone on that show. And you couldn’t really cross her because, well… who knew how accurate she was that thing?

I dearly miss that cast. That infectious spirit of fun came through on the air. And it was always a joy to walk onto the set… although, if I had known one of the stars was heavily armed I might have thought differently.

P.S.

Georgie and John were never asked to go shopping again.